I draw the line at maggots.
“No is a complete sentence.”
(Anne Lamott)
I draw the line at maggots…
Setting boundaries is hard and feels pretty uncomfortable, which is probably the reason why we can all be so very bad at it, even to the detriment of our own well-being.
Recently, my teenage daughter Bridget’s best friend misplaced a gift card of substantial value to her favorite bookstore and record shop. Anna, the best friend, concluded after an exhaustive search for the gift card that it must have been stuck to the bottom of a takeout food bag that made its way into our trash can. Therefore, the only way to remedy the situation was to dig through the trash bags.
Anna asked my daughter to do the deed for her since she was at work. Of course, Bridget said yes and of course she asked me to help. What are moms for if not to help their kids do some really smelly, gross stuff?
Should I have said “no”, instituting a boundary? Gotta learn the hard way, kid. Some things you lose. Get over it, right?
Nope. Didn’t say that.
We donned some long sleeve shirts, plastic gloves and headed out to the trash container. Well, its summer and we have two dogs, so the aroma upon opening the lid of the can was disgusting, to put it mildly.
Taking a deep breath and holding it, we take the top bag out. Okay, not so bad. Sifted through some wet mail and protein bar boxes, banana peel, bag of salad greens we didn’t eat, yet again. One bag eliminated.
Went in for the next bag and there they were.
Maggots.
Everywhere covering the remaining two trash bags. “That’s it. We’re done,” I exclaimed to Bridget.
“I draw the line at maggots.”
That was my boundary. I had other opportunities to say no to the task, and so did Bridget, but we love Anna and wanted to please her. Not doing it would have meant disappointment and sadness for Anna and maybe resentment towards Bridget for not going the extra mile for a best friend. Also, Bridget could have then felt guilt, shame and remorse, arguably the worst self-worth emotions in existence.
But, saying no could also have meant Anna experienced a life lesson and will try harder in the future to be more careful with gifts of value. Perhaps, Bridget could have learned that setting boundaries is allowable, even with friends.
We can’t really know how someone is going to react to our setting of boundaries. Being compassionate and self-less towards one another is important, but to what end?
After several decades of life, I have concluded that boundaries are a healthy tactic in protecting one’s own safety and well-being. It really is okay to say no sometimes.
From now on when I am faced with a request from someone, I will remember the maggots. That’s my boundary line.
What is yours?
